READING'S 'Writer in Residence', Jeff Scott, was in attendance for Racers home meeting against Redcar on Monday, afterwards he penned the latest addition to his blog, 'Lapping it Up'.
-- 19th May
Referee Reprimanded by Elvis
By mid-afternoon, the first ever visit of the Redcar Bears to Smallmead already has two of their keenest fans – Ken and Barbara Dolan – already sat patiently in the stadium car park in their camper van. When I arrive they’re attaching a giant St. Georges flag to the side of their vehicle. They’re members of the Bears Supporters Club (“we give £50 to different riders every week”) and drove the 270 odd miles from Middlesbrough to Earley Riverside Park campsite the day before as part of a trip that will also take in a visit to the Isle of Wight. Ken tells me, “we go to all the away meetings – with the Bears and the Cubs – since Redcar came back!” They haven’t been impressed with the warmth of the welcome they’ve received on their journey so far, “until you spoke to us the only person who’d said ‘hello’ was the greeter at B&Q!” They say first impressions are vital and parked up where they are Ken asks, “is that blue thing your grandstand?” before he notes, “your stadium looks derelict – you’re on the way down and we’re on the way up at the Stemp [South Tees Motor Park]” Given they travel widely Ken thinks Sheffield is the most impressive away track “for facilities and racing” whereas his wife Barbara says “Perry Barr has everything you need.” Habituées of the second bend at the Stemp they advise “Ty Proctor is the exciting one [to watch]. He’s on an assessed five-point average but he’s riding to about eight or so. He’s only had one bad meeting when he went to Sheffield and his engine wasn’t big enough. I’d be happy with a 50-40 to Reading tonight. You know Havvy and Grieves will score but after that it’s hard to predict. Josh has struggled out of the starts recently and Dan’ll have one ride where he beats, say, Ostergaard by twenty yards one race and another three where he does nothing!” The news that tonight’s referee is Christina Turnbull isn’t well received because of a meeting four weeks ago. “She’s the one that did us [Redcar Cubs] at Scunny [Saints] when Jade Mudgway was excluded for getting a pillion ride from Jonathan Bethell. [In fact, the referee was Barbara Horley] On the second lap, Jade was second and Bethell third when he t-boned him from the side. Jade got his hand caught between the mudguard and Bethell’s back wheel and then dragged him for thirty yards along the back straight and then was excluded for being the cause of the stoppage of the race!” When I asked Christina about this she said, “I have to disappoint Ken and Barbara as although I am a female referee, I most definitely wasn't the female referee who excluded Jade Mudgway at Scunthorpe. The last time I was at Scunthorpe was 2006!”
For a change, I’m kindly given permission to watch proceedings from the referee’s box perched above the “blue thing” or the home straight grandstand, as it’s more properly known. The route up there is through a door near to the bar and up stairs so steep they’d not be out of place in the Netherlands. My arrival is greeted warmly by Bob Radford who asks, “Are you Mr. Turnbull?” Clearly, I’ve made a memorable impression on Bob during our previous encounters in the last two years! The windows of the box provide a panoramic view of the track and, from left to right as you look outwards, the dramatis personae in the box are as follows. Stood by his equipment in the corner of the room, Track Electrician and Music Co-ordinator Steve Gobey plays the sounds effortlessly smoothly and segues between the various announcements with practiced ease. He watches the third and fourth bend action out of the side window that overlooks the car park exit, the glories of the Green Park entrance and the out of town shopping parade in the distance. Next to him is the vastly experienced, renowned and justifiably well regarded club announcer, Bob Radford (61), who lounges in his chair coiled to spring into action with a witticism, bon mot or some infotainment over the tannoy. Off air, he’s even funnier and sharper – apparently combining in one person the skills and attributes of Paul Merton, Ronnie Barker (in Norman Stanley Fletcher Porridge mode) and Dale Winton – while he remains calmly professional and matter of fact about the high standard of his work. Centre stage is the softly spoken Timekeeper and Incident recorder Roger Nettlefold who works fastidiously and diligently all meeting with his papers and stopwatch. Throughout, he’s absorbed in the action and the demands of his work. Completing the line up is the always smartly dressed and friendly SCB Official Christina Turnbull who originally hails from Glasgow but finds herself on missionary work living among the great unwashed of Southern England. Christina works calmly and capably throughout, which projects an air of authority that she leavens with the intensity and enthusiasm of a proper speedway fan - judged by the way she dances from foot to foot, leans forward, shudders and exclaims at strategically exciting moments during the many keenly contested races. Defying critics who claim the speedway governing bodies are stuck in the Stone Age, pride of place next to the control panel that operates the tapes and lights, is Christina’s programme and, amazingly, a laptop opened at the Reading versus Redcar scorecard she will fill out between races. That said I imagine it’s her laptop rather than one provided for her work by the speedway authorities. In the commentary box the meeting was a thrill to watch and the conversation unfolded along these lines (with random selection, mistakes and omissions my bad). All are off air unless otherwise stated and the spaces between them indicate separate rather than continuous comments.
Bob Radford [BR] “I’m Bob Radford – we haven’t met before!” Christina Turnbull [CT] “We have” BR “Have we?” CT “We met last season and the season before – I must be really memorable.” BR “I thought you were one of Neil McFarlane’s wives! Kenny McKinna once said, ‘he’s got more faces than a town hall clock!’ In a forthcoming Backtrack Neil said, maybe so, but Kenny’s backside must have been sore sitting on Dick Barrie’s knee and trying to mime his words’”
CT “Do announcers have bad meetings then?” BR “Of course, they do my dear.” CT “I thought I had a bad meeting at Eastbourne the other night” BR “I’m sure you didn’t”
CT [in flap by computer with programme in hand] “Can you get me the Clerk of the Course?” BR “I can’t at the moment as he’s on the centre green!” CT “I just had a panic with the averages but I’ve sorted it out now. Show’s I was checking. They’ve sent through a declaration when I thought it was averages!”
BR (to me) “I hope you’re going to be kind about us!”
Raker with distinctive headgear comes up to the box to handover paperwork to Christina BR “I like his Bill & Ben hat” [hums Bill & Ben theme tune] During her track inspection, Christina had spotted a concern with the track on the back straight, “a raker said ‘it’s okay no one ever rides out there’”
BR “It’s 19.28, can we have the two minute warning on dear? It’s the last time I’ll pressure you.”
CT (sixty seconds later) “Who’s doing the one minute [warning announcement]?” Steve Gobey [SG] “You’ll have to shout, I’m a bit deaf!”
BR [as Joni Keskinen comes to the line for Heat 1] “What a lovely pair of kevlars! A bit like John Davis in reverse.”
CT “He’s got him!” [as Havvy overtakes Lemo on the third bend of the second lap of Heat 1]
BR “Arlo Bugeja [BOO-JAIR-RAH] – I’m told they call him Budgie up at Redcar!” CT “Can we have two minutes, please?” BR (on air as two minute sounds) “Yes, the lady’s on the buzzer!”
Jeff Scott [JS] “How long have the start girls been back?” BR “a few weeks now. They come up in one car and go back in four. I’m sure they’re lovely girls.” SG “They’re the ex-Swindon girls as they don’t have them any more. Well, they’re only having them for the Sky meetings.”
Paul Hunsdon [PH] (on air before Heat 3) “It didn’t go too well for Ulrich in the Danish Championships, he only scored three points and took a fall”
BR “You just witnessed Suchanek pass someone – it’s very rare!” (after passes Dan Giffard on second bend of second lap on Heat 3)
BR (as riders line up for Heat 4, spots Tom P Madsen) “What smart new kevlars! Rumour is he uses the same tailor as Wacky the Racer!” CT “I’m looking forward to seeing Ty Proctor – I haven’t seen him ride before.” BR “me neither” CT (during race where Ty rides exhilaratingly) “He can ride a bike – that’s for sure!”
As each race ends – in the style of a Berkshire based Jamaican Dancehall toasting session - Bob calls the heat score and the overall score and Christina calls the same numbers back (if they agree) and Roger quietly calls the time at the same time BR “4-2, 14-10” CT “4-2, 14-10” Roger Nettlefold [RN] “61.81” Christina fills in the official scorecard on her computer, while Bob announces the result over the tannoy
BR “It’s track watering and grading time now, so you can rest a few minutes dear” CT “Thank you. What has the weather been like today?” BR “Lovely all day – well, not here, in Swindon. Steve Gobey and I both live in Swindon.” CT “Together?” BR “No! Steve used to play in the Ludwig Beatles – a beat combo from the Swindon area. Roger is from Swindon too”
Heat 5 interrupts with an exciting race that features a battle for supremacy between Gary Havelock and Ulrich Ostergaard. CT “This is a race!” Roger Nettlefold [RN] “He’s taking him to the fence” CT “I don’t think this is finished yet…he’s quick isn’t he?”
BR “From your accent I’m guessing you come from Scotland. Whereabouts?” CT “Glasgow” BR “did you watch at Blantyre?” CT “No - Shawfield” BR “My God, Shawfield was palatial compared to Blantyre” BR “Where do you live then?” CT “Cranleigh” BR “Where’s that?” CT “Surrey!” BR “We’re all from Swindon – even the Press Officer [Robert Bamford] is a Swindon refugee” CT “Oh, come on” BR “I think he enjoys it here more!”
In the initial running of Heat 6, Lemon and Proctor clatter into each other on the first bend and a rerun is ordered. Christina explains the thinking behind her decision. CT “He [Lemon] had to turn but, you know – he had to turn otherwise he’d have gone straight on!”
Telephone rings from pits. It’s Clerk of the Course, Andy Griffin, explaining that Ty Proctors bike needs some repairs CT “He needs to replace his cut out – I’ll give him a few minutes”
BR “you’re a man of many descriptive words, what do you think of Wacky the Racer?” JS “He looks like he’s an experiment gone wrong” SG “He’s Frankenstein’s brother!” BR (on air) “We have Reading Writer in Residence Jeff Scott with us tonight in the box and he’s ventured the awfully unfair opinion, that Wacky the Racer is an experiment gone wrong.” [PH] (in pained voice on centre green) “I think he’s very warm hearted and the kids seem to like him!”
Later BR’s guest and first time visitor to speedway Andy Griffin (BR “the handsome one not the Clerk of the Course”) is asked this leading question too. “He looks like a chip and the person wearing it doesn’t appear overly enthusiastic about his job if you watch him”
Phone rings and Clerk of Course reports in. CT “He still needs a few more minutes? Tell him ‘okay only a few minutes’. He only fell off!” BR “Give him two minutes, go on, be brave!”
Phone rings again CT “Andy, I’m going to have to put the two minutes on” BR “At least we’re fair to the opposition here – you go to some places and it’s incredibly hostile and unhelpful.”
CT “Don’t you have the Foo Fighters or something more Radio 1?” SG “This isn’t a Radio 1 crowd!”
BR (on thrilling Heat 6) “This is quite a race!” SG “Something is going to happen” BR (as race finishes) “I can hear Dave Lanning saying ‘you could throw a hanky over them’ – he must have a big hanky! At least Dave Lanning only started yelling and shouting when it was exciting unlike Sky nowadays. Do you agree with me, 23-13?” CT “I said yes” BR “Sorry I’m a bit deaf. 23-13 isn’t a fair reflection of Redcar’s efforts”
CT (Heat 7 starts with James Grieves on a tactical ride third as riders exit second bend) “Now, you didn’t want to do that, did you?..... Don’t do anything silly!”(as on L3/B3 Grieves comes up inside of Jamie Smith powerfully) BR (appreciates Tom P Madsen leading the race) “His smart new kevlars”
CT (Nicki Glanz falls under pressure from Arlo Bugeja in Heat 8) “Oh uh oh – Blue by himself, I’m afraid. He didn’t take any contact round there!” Blue exclusion light is lit Crowd (audibly) “Boo!” CT “Boo” BR (on air) “Christina is booing herself!” (Phone rings) CT “Hello Tim, I didn’t think yellow hit him” BR “I think yellow straightened up” BR “As long as he’s alright” PH (on air) “IT looks though the air fence is alright” CT (to JS) “What do you think of my decision to exclude him?” JS “He didn’t touch him” BR “I thought he did touch him. Only just, but he did touch – so, he should have been excluded”
Comment spotted on referee’s official report sheet: “ SR9.6 the window in referee’s box is cracked and needs replacing. Spoke with Malcolm [Holloway] who is getting it sorted”
CT (as Chris Mills heads Heat 8 rerun) “Head down and bum up!”
BR “The worst nightmare for an announcer is the hiccups” BR “is it Miss, Mrs or Ms.” CT “Miss” BR (on air after red light stops initial running of Heat 9) “Miss Turnbull has ordered a rerun with all four and wants them to sit still!” PH (on air) “I can tell you Ulrich Ostergaard rides VERY SMALL on the fuel is getting a top up”
BR “I liked what Lord levy said – ‘Gordon Brown was put on this earth to make Tony Blair look good!”’
BR “Suchanek is passing everyone now!” SG “He’s getting more confident…here he comes!” [Suchanek overtakes Proctor to gain second] BR “Good God, seeing is believing!” BR (on air) “Suchanek earning the title Racer tonight”
BR (On air wishing Redcar success at the isle of Wight tomorrow night) “Steak baguettes on the first bend - Miss Turnbull has when she goes to the Isle of Wight. Does Dave Pavitt charge you?” CT “yes” BR (on air) “I thought so”
BR “We always have fun in the box!” [Reminisces. Says Frank Ebdon is a real laugh] “John Berry said Frank Ebdon used to come in a smart, crisp linen suit or the Alvin Stardust look (wistfully) I haven’t seen Frank in leather for years now!”
BR (after Heat 10) “That Giffard is doing really well tonight!” [after third successive last place]
BR (after Madsen wins Heat 11) “I think Tom P Madsen is on the Red Bull tonight – you’re not dope testing later are you Christina?” CT “Should I be?” SG “You missed Wacky Racer dancing!” BR “Wacky Racer does grow on you, I must admit. First week here I thought he was ridiculous”
JS “Where is Dave Wright tonight?” BR “Dave Wright and Robert Bamford gravitate towards the free ham sandwiches downstairs in the grandstand”
BR “To be fair though we’re winning by a lot, the racing has been good” CT “Super!”
During the interval, elsewhere in the stadium and over the tannoy Paul Hunsdon conducts the 50-50 prize draw and invites Bettina (“How old are you?” “Thirteen”) to do the honour of drawing the raffle tickets. After yet another slightly hammy double entendre CT exclaims, “that’s not right!” PH (on air) [as track girls walk past him] “Hello ladies! They’ve promised me they’ll wear Lycra when it’s hot!”
CT “I saw Elvis in the pits earlier” BR “That’s Dale Fontaine who does the Echoes of Elvis Tribute Show and sponsors Heat 2 (call 01252 850669 for bookings)”
BR (to CT) “You’ve been a good sport tonight!” PH (on air) “We’re going to take Dale Fontaine up to the box” CT (giddily) “Whooo!” [Sound of heavy footsteps up the steep stairs] BR “Sexual chemistry is about to explode!” CT “Here he is!!” [Dale immediately enthusiastically embraces Bob Radford and they then animatedly discuss Bob’s first rock and roll hero – Marty Wilde] PH (on air) “I can tell you – he’s embracing the referee!” Dale Fontaine {looking all round the box for the male referee but only spotting a woman in a suit] “Where’s the ref?” [Christina is pointed out next to him] “Are you the one who excluded our rider over there! [points to third bend in the distance] “GOOOOR, DEAR!” [Dale, Paul & Steve fuss over music equipment and play track 7 ‘Paralyzed’ from Dale’s CD ‘Memories’ sold in aid of the charity UK Cancer Research] CT [as music plays loudly, the phone rings] “Yes, it is” [gets absorbed in conversation with pits] Dale “Bye, ref!” CT [hangs up] “Did he go without saying goodbye? I’ve never been told off by Elvis before!”
CT [watching Heat 13] “yellow [Proctor] is going for it! Whether or not he’ll catch him [Lemon] I don’t know [locks up] I doubt it!”
CT [on Suchanek’s helmet as he lines up for Heat 14] “Can someone tell me what colour helmet is that?” BR “Orange!” CT “[name redacted] would love that and immediately fine him £50” BR “[name redacted] is sad!” CT “sad?” BR “A sad person!” CT “I like him!”
BR (as race starts) “Please come last Arlo so I don’t have to say your name again!”
After each race - as the riders cross the line – Christina calls out the final race order of the riders by helmet colour. After heat 14 she calls “orange blue green yellow”
19th May Reading v Redcar (Premier League) 57-35
Jeff Scott’s latest speedway odyssey Concrete for Breakfast will be published in June.
